I suppose this is where I apologize for not posting, but that would suggest that I have some sort of schedule from which I’ve deviated, and we all know that’s clearly not the case. We’re still alive and kicking, working more than ever. Can anyone else understand that feeling of being on the cusp of everything going well, but in the current moment everything is still shit? That’s us. Right now.
We’ve got big plans in the works at the shop, but it’s a waiting game. We’ve halted house hunting because there’s nothing even semi close to what we want and need and I’m paralyzed by the fear that the second we compromise on everything and offer on another place, the owner of The House will come back with a counter offer and then we’ll be stuck and hate ourselves. I’d be lying if I said that not getting the house didn’t affect us more than we thought it would. I realize it’s a problem of privilege to complain about a home affecting your identity, especially when you already have a suitable place to live, but that’s how I do. I place a lot of value on how my living space reflects and, frankly, affects, me. I like to work on a home - improve, clean, plant, paint, fix – and generally busy myself with the space and not having that for the past eighteen months weights heavily on me. Worst, it’s a constant reminder of what we did have back in Michigan and creates this nagging feeling of oh my god, what did we leave behind and why? Work could (should!) be going very well very soon, but it’s not right now. A house could be going very well very soon, but it’s not right now. Our family could be very exciting very soon, but it’s not right now. I’m well on my way to an ulcer with this constantly thinking of what if and when and disappointment in my ability to improve the now.
On top of everything, Alan and I passed the one year anniversary mark in our marriage, oh god, I guess it was two weeks ago now, which should be an exciting and fun event, but it was the last day of a horrifying week at work. Side bar, the grass is always greener has never been more apparent to me than now. When I was stuck at a desk with a boss who I thought didn’t understand me, doing work that I thought didn’t matter, I spent a lot of time thinking about what life would look like if I were self-employed. Now that I am self-employed, it occurs to me than when your business is your own, when something goes wrong there is no one to blame but yourself. Instead of stressing over a late power point presentation, I’m at the helm of serious financial and legal obligations that keep me awake at night. Lest this entire blog post be a litany of complaints, let’s be clear – owning a small business is amazing. It is worth it. It is also exhausting and stressful. So work kicked our asses and we didn’t celebrate our anniversary because we stayed in the shop late and as we fell asleep at night, we finally had a moment to talk to each other and that talk was pretty much, remember that honeymoon that we didn’t get to take and we swore we’d take before our one year mark? Yeahhhhhh that never happened.
I’m now exhausting myself with this discussion. It’s not whining, I assure you, because I am happy and excited for all the things to come, but right now everything feels like a lot of waiting and my brain is constantly spinning and I’m not sure when we’ll get a chance to breathe. We’re not “busy” - you already know how I feel about that word - this is just the life that we’ve created for ourselves.
Onto the updating of the things that have been occupying my free time. I’m still doing Livefit although modified. I made some diet revelations a few weeks ago and started on a post, but wanted to see how I progress before posting. Every day the air is thick with smoke from nearby forest fires. I read this book, both captivating and horrifying. I’ve been knitting up a storm, as usual.
There’s this, a request from my sister-in-law. I’ll do a detailed post once it’s totally finished. I love it and hate, for reasons that would only matter to a serious knitter, but I’ll go through that in the detail post.
There was this little sweater, which I think I’ve mentioned but haven’t shown. I so much disliked the bottom-up construction that, as soon as the project was bound off, I set it aside. Thankfully the end product is adorable. I need to finish up the underarms then will do a detailed post, of course.
This cowl, knit over the past two or three days. After so much counting and pattern following, I just wanted something mindless to use up stash yarn, so I found an old lace pattern and this happened. It’s squishy and light and beautiful in person. I love it.
I love and hate posts like these. I want to share and write, because it helps me sort things out, but it also feels like I’m fishing for sympathy, which isn’t the case. We’re just… blah… right now. It’ll pass.